No tears, just acceptance: an autistic perspective on grief

Before starting this blog post, I must note that this is based on my experiences, which needs to be noted due to being on the autism spectrum. I am someone who was diagnosed with both PDD-NOS and early infantile autism (Kanner’s syndrome / classic autism) growing up, never having true clarity which of the 2 applied before the move was made to a disorder within the autism spectrum. This experience is notably different from what’s experienced by those with Asperger’s syndrome.

So, it has been nearly a week now since I lost my dad. Our connection was tumultuous, to the point that my last memory of him, being even the last one who spoke to him, is us having a large disagreement. He would later drive to my parents’ home, where he would collapse and not be able to be revived. He is gone.

Ever since then, people have been crowding around, saying how sorry they are, how they will do anything to help. You know, the usual after the loss of someone. Before they didn’t care, but now a loss is experienced, they suddenly expect me to believe that they truly care. I don’t need a needle to poke through it. I really hate it. But at the same time, they hate how I act, as they don’t understand my response…

It has to be said here that I am quite an emotional person. I am someone who shifts from being completely silent and even isolated to someone who speaks a huge amount. And when I have emotions like being angry, sad, or happy, you’ll know it. I am expressive and I am aware of it. I just deal with a huge amount of anxiety that holds me back from the things that I know I should be doing, and what I wish I could be doing.

So, the expected response was for me to break down crying or something like that, the response that I do see with my 2 eldest brothers, who both are on the Asperger’s side of the spectrum. But the truth is, there’s nothing for me. Like literally nothing. I have no problem thinking back to him, as there are no emotions. There’s simply acceptance that it is over.

Which is even somewhat surprising to myself, as I have felt depressed previously thinking about death. I am not religiously-inclined, as in I believe there’s nothing after death. It is really harsh to think so, but there’s no evidence suggesting differently. This thinking has actually had a really negative effect on my life, as it has instantly flooded me with loneliness and doubt about the state of my life. But at the very same time, it has also been positive in the way that I know I could never take my own life or anything similar, I wish to live and make the most of it.

All there is, is an understanding that this is how life is and that there’s nothing that will change it, that I need to move forward. What most people take months to realize, it’s just instantly there for me, like a switch was turned shortly after hearing the news. At the moment of hearing the news from one of my brothers, one of my sisters, and my mom, I did feel sadness. As much as we had difficulties at times, there are also good memories.

My reason for sharing this is that this is a perspective that you don’t hear people talk about, how grief isn’t actually sad for quite a few on the spectrum. In the past 48 hours or so, I reached out to some others on the spectrum that have experienced loss, with a few responses being the same. That includes from one of the other authors of this blog, Aleksander.

When it comes to the autism spectrum, there’s a general lack of true knowledge about our emotions. Obviously, other people can’t just look in your brain to know what you experience. But more important than that is actually the fact that a lot just isn’t given any voice. It’s spoken, but not heard, because it’s too different, too socially unaccepted. It’s the whole reason why it’s often said that we don’t feel emotions the same, or simply not at all, as it’s either hard for others to understand them or they don’t feel them the same way.

It’s like my dad and I often watched TV shows, especially crime shows. The last we watched was Chicago P.D., season 10, episode 5. Every Saturday, which will be somewhat weird tomorrow. However, the reason why I mention this is because most people watch this without any problems, there are some emotions, but it’s just a TV show. However, personally, I can’t get through the episodes related to children. The anger and sadness, it makes me want to turn the show off and go watch something else. The same I have with those videos that go viral of children falling or in other ways hurting themselves, I just can’t understand why people share and watch them, let alone like them.

The truth here is that my emotions aren’t weird at all, they are completely logical. Hurt is a negative part of life, there shouldn’t be any way to feel happy about it. And yet a lot of people do. It’s an impaired way of feeling emotions. However, as a lot more people experience this, it’s suddenly normal, and I am the one who’s weird. Even though I am the one who’s the one who experiences the emotions normally.

This is very typical when it comes to the autism spectrum. It’s like when an autistic child (or adult) has a meltdown, they’re suddenly strange or weird. However, when we look at it more closely, it makes perfect sense. Sadness leads to crying, anger leads to aggression, fear leads to withdrawal. We see all those normal responses when it comes to meltdowns, but they’re seen as weird due to what we regard as normal, which is being in control of our emotions, meaning not showing them. Either we are happy or we act like we are happy, that’s what is expected by our society. Which is actually completely bonkers, as we have emotions to communicate.

Like just think about a normal response to seeing someone crying, which would be to comfort them. Response to someone who is angry, it is to stay away. And someone who’s fearful, it is to listen and reassure them. Without these emotions, we wouldn’t know how to respond, which happens to be one of the reasons why digital communication is often hard for those on the spectrum, not because we don’t understand emotions, but because we actually use them like we were meant to.

The truth is that we have made the weird normal, and the normal weird. It’s nonsensical, but it has as advantage that nobody will ever be perfect to our view. And it makes autistic people the weirdest of us all, as we’re often based on logic. Clearly it’s not logical to think logically, as… Yeah, I couldn’t even think of how to continue that myself, as I have no clue how anyone would wish to justify it, besides the fact that people still somehow do this every day in some twisted way.

What I wish to say is that the autistic experience is different, sure it is. But the stigmatization doesn’t help anyone. I am glad to have known my dad, regardless of him not being the best of dads. And now it is time for me to move forward. I don’t need any mourning, I skipped it. And so do quite a few people. It’s fine, as long as you don’t secretly bottle it up. Emotions are there to be released, and sometimes that release is by just accepting how things are.